Tone deaf

I was tone deaf half my life, until I fell out of the crow’s nest and woke up with perfect pitch. There are no other cases in the annals or in their executive summaries.

In the beginning I could make nor head nor tail of it, but when the nor’westers blew, and the trees began to sing, I noticed that Forty Mile Creek was in the same key as the Magic Flute. Down at the switching yard, the locomotives were idyling in C, but not a well-tempered sea. The vibrations are arbitrary, but the harmonics are pythagorean. Abstain from beans.

Inquisition

Raise the glass to the days of the inquisition, when god gave man a ticket to torture and sanctity ruled the land.

In those days the weasels of rightousness could ferret out the sins of the witches. Though the devil lurked in every crack, the hammer had the writ of the pope. The hammer came down hard.

So with your one good eye and bushel of fingers, raise the glass and pass the ammunition.

Sorbonistes arise

Niggers, kikes, wops and fags,
We call you with our dying breath.
Block heads, camel jockeys, fatsos, spics,
Would you be so kind as to walk our dog?
Assholes, jerks, cunts and pussies,
Come to the aid of your country.
Serial killers, suicide bombers, war criminals and torturers,
We hold your truths to be self evident,
That few man are created equal.
Not to speak of all women, for they may further the way.
The way of all cunts.
You fucking cock-suckers.

Results of your recent sigmundoscopy

ajax

The procedure reveals that  you hold a doctor’s degree in subcutaneous philology. That fear of appearing to be retentive has given you a complex, even an imaginary number of neurons. All the universes in string theory don’t provide enough elbow room for the youngsters’ viruses.

Calling all alpha males. It’s the time of the month for your beta-kerosene rebarbatives.

Source code

exile_of-timeEft wildre mealwan seawes þry lytle bollan fullan.
— Leechdoms, Wortcunning, and Starcraft of Early England

Hyoscyamus, when taken by a person in health, produces disorder of the nervous system
—Penny cyclopædia of the Society for the diffusion of useful knowledge

Tension

It’s all about maintaining the right tension, said the fiddler to the ventriloquest. Sometimes I’m tighter than Dick’s hatband.

This in itself might be construed as a home invasion, but is it an act of terrorism? Only the members of the Warren Buffet commission and their secret police know for sure. Court records show nothing besides the fall of the middleman who didn’t watch his back, and the rise of the average woman with a yeast infection. It’s all in the wallpaper of record. Look around yourself.