Category Archives: Transmutations

Road to Damascus

How Jimmy became the most popular boy in town

How the devil did Saul Paul get into the gospels? He showed his hand when he put away childish things. But except you become as little children, said the son of god, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Where there’s heaven, there’s hell. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Can you say exactly who you are?

Try to judge man as a hole. Not just what sticks up out of the ground. And judge woman as half and half. Not just what’s out of site. Nurse your wounds and doctor her figures. 

Wait. I thought I heard something. 

No, it was just a digger on the graveyard shift, whistling in the wind. 

Yes. I heard something.

No, it was just a worm turning the screw.

Global waring

Global thermonuclear war

We are pleased to report that global warming has been delayed temporarily due to the recent global thermonuclear war.

Nous sommes heureux d’annoncer que le réchauffement climatique a été temporairement retardé en raison de la récente guerre thermonucléaire mondiale.

The big powers had larger-than-disclosed arsenals, and the launch systems, in some cases over 50 years old, worked as planned. Regional players showed a surprising capability to rain mayhem in their neighbourhood.

Toutes les grandes puissances avaient des arsenaux plus importants que ceux divulgués, et les acteurs régionaux ont montré une capacité surprenante.

The narrows

I’m giving it to you straight. No beating about the bird in the bush, no loose lips sinking ships. For the straight you need the narrow, as for time you need the arrow. There you have the straight and narrow.

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

We caught the couple in the dope den, we had a tip off from the hat check girl. She said he promised her a pack a day, he said all his relatives lived in the trees. That was plenty to send them both up the river for a good long time.

Forbidden Territory

The heathens had many everyday expressions that may provide a glimpse into their simple minds. A scout has sent back a story from Outer Godwannaland. In those regions when a woman was looking for a man, she would take a taste of his juice, and when a man was looking for a woman, he would lick the entire length of her legs in extreme unction. So the saying went, in his translation, “As well to put a horseshoe on a cricket, as to boil a monk in oil.”

They the heathens had another tale about the short-order cook on the ship that was one short of a full deck. He the cook got short-sheeted at Camp Guantanamero. He got short-shifted at the union hall. Short-circuited at the Circus Maximus. So they say, “When last seen, he was in shorts and a cunt cap” [according to Van der Essen a reference to Browning’s old nun’s twat].

Jim Crack Corn; or, The Blue Tail Fly

When I was young a us’d to wait
On Massa and hand him de plate;
Pass down the bottle when he git dry,
And bresh away de blue tail fly.

Den arter dinner massa sleep,
He bid dis niggar vigil keep;
An’ when he gwine to shut his eye,
He tell me watch de blue tail fly.

An’ when he ride in de arternoon,
I foiler wid a hickory broom;
De poney being berry shy,
When bitten by de blue tail fly.

One day he rode aroun’ de farm,
De flies so numerous dey did swarm;
One chance to bite ‘im on the thigh,
De debble take dat blu tail fly.

De poney run, he jump an’ pitch,
An’ tumble massa in de ditch;
He died, an’ de jury wonder’d why
De verdic was de blue tail fly.

Dey laid ‘im under a ‘simmon tree,
His epitaph am dar to see:
‘Beneath did stone I’m forced to lie,
All by means ob de blue tail fly.’

Ole massa gone, now let ‘im rest,
Dey say all tings am for the best;
I nebber forget till de day I die,
Ole massa an’ dat blue tail fly.

Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Old Massa gone away.

Responding to critics

Responding to critics in the US Congress and elsewhere who say Facebook isn’t doing enough to enhance the flow of disinformation, the social network in recent months has purged almost one hundred accounts it found were not designed to sway elections, sow social division, or prop up ruthless governments. The focus has left an opening for scammers who use Facebook to send unsuspecting users to fraudulent dating sites, which frequently results in matrimony.

Purloined fragments

Come, and trip it as ye go,
On the light fantastic toe;
And in thy right hand lead with thee
The mountain Nymph, sweet Liberty.

Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove,
That Valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods, or steepy mountain yields.

Oh as I was young and easy in the mercy of his means,
Time held me green and dying
Though I sang in my chains like the sea.