Category Archives: Transmutations

Of Peas and Ham cum Commento

Of Peas and Bacon cum Commento

Mr. Hamstead, in the 8th Volume of his useful Collections, tells us, the vessels were very good made at Fulham, but all flat, the Difficulty in making a hollow Dish was thought insuperable, because it must be burnt to that Degree, that the Heat of the Fire made the Sides fall: But this ingenious Christian surmounted the Difficulty, and hath many Years ago actually made several very delicate Pots of English Materials.

In the glaze were wrought A Skeleton in Metal; it is well done, but only to the short Ribs. Venus and Cupid in Wax-work. A Sort of Bachus, or Antick, pouring out Liquor, with a Bull’s Head betwixt his Thighs, or perhaps a Rams, relating to some Local Custom, like that of a Flitch of Bacon at Dunmoe in Essex: It is of Wood, and hath in old Characters Belly merry In a different script. The History of Joseph of Arimathea’s entombing our Saviour, whose emaciated Corps is very well represented in the Winding-sheet.

Liquid Carbolic

He had an uncanny feeling that he would wind up at the cannery, and on the odd chance that he would turn up in the chancery, he laid down his treasures in heaven. His debts he sent to hello operator, get me Memphis on the line. 

Something that is perfectly legal today in our forwarded society, but was frowned upon in the unforgivable ignorance of the past, is to blame our woes on the bible. But still, you cannot criticize the bible. You will die the next day in a freak accident. It’s been proven — make the experiment, if you’re man or woman enough. If you lose, who’s going to mourn one less enemy to our way of life, except your family, who by the way have also been eradicated?

But let us speak of lighter things. Of dry ice, of Legs Diamond, air reduction, bromine.

There is a hypothesis that the word naptha is connected with the name of the Indo-Iranian god Apam Napat, which occurs in Vedic and in Avestic; the name means “grandson of (the) waters”, and the Vedas describes him as emerging from water golden and shining “with bright rays”, perhaps inspired by a burning seepage of natural gas.

Road to Damascus

How Jimmy became the most popular boy in town

How the devil did Saul Paul get into the gospels? He showed his hand when he put away childish things. But except you become as little children, said the son of god, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Where there’s heaven, there’s hell. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Can you say exactly who you are?

Try to judge man as a hole. Not just what sticks up out of the ground. And judge woman as half and half. Not just what’s out of site. Nurse your wounds and doctor her figures. 

Wait. I thought I heard something. 

No, it was just a digger on the graveyard shift, whistling in the wind. 

Yes. I heard something.

No, it was just a worm turning the screw.

Global waring

Global thermonuclear war

We are pleased to report that global warming has been delayed temporarily due to the recent global thermonuclear war.

Nous sommes heureux d’annoncer que le réchauffement climatique a été temporairement retardé en raison de la récente guerre thermonucléaire mondiale.

The big powers had larger-than-disclosed arsenals, and the launch systems, in some cases over 50 years old, worked as planned. Regional players showed a surprising capability to rain mayhem in their neighbourhood.

Toutes les grandes puissances avaient des arsenaux plus importants que ceux divulgués, et les acteurs régionaux ont montré une capacité surprenante.

The narrows

I’m giving it to you straight. No beating about the bird in the bush, no loose lips sinking ships. For the straight you need the narrow, as for time you need the arrow. There you have the straight and narrow.

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

We caught the couple in the dope den, we had a tip off from the hat check girl. She said he promised her a pack a day, he said all his relatives lived in the trees. That was plenty to send them both up the river for a good long time.

Forbidden Territory

The heathens had many everyday expressions that may provide a glimpse into their simple minds. A scout has sent back a story from Outer Godwannaland. In those regions when a woman was looking for a man, she would take a taste of his juice, and when a man was looking for a woman, he would lick the entire length of her legs in extreme unction. So the saying went, in his translation, “As well to put a horseshoe on a cricket, as to boil a monk in oil.”

They the heathens had another tale about the short-order cook on the ship that was one short of a full deck. He the cook got short-sheeted at Camp Guantanamero. He got short-shifted at the union hall. Short-circuited at the Circus Maximus. So they say, “When last seen, he was in shorts and a cunt cap” [according to Van der Essen a reference to Browning’s old nun’s twat].