All posts by Xenomanes

Words of the High One

They all want the same thing Santa, my ironing table

As the official organ of the department in charge of the security of the fatherland, mother fucker, we have been assigned the credentials by good god almighty — bow you head and bless yourself — to root into your fundamentals, just to see if there are any hints of deviation. 

First off we would like to sound out your frequencies. Could you hum along to this recording of the dispatch of the tattooed man by the hairy woman.

Watch what the webcam shows. He was first on the scene and on her like an amoeba. “If you can’t join ’em, lick ’em,” he said, half in jest, but half not. Join ’em with an em dash and an en space. Lick ’em lickety split, first across the post.

As you may be well aware, all the serious critics of our project have disappeared. We make no bones about it, they were but small potatoes. Those who rooted around have also disappeared. Are there any further questions?

He was busted looking at dirty pictures. He chanced upon the girlie magazines in the gutter outside the maternity ward. He who jeopardized his family jewels now seeks a handout. 

Virology

The International Committee on Taxonomy of Viruses’s classification includes fifteen taxa: realm, subrealm, kingdom, subkingdom, phylum, subphylum, class, subclass, order, suborder, family, subfamily, genus, subgenus, and species, to be applied for viruses, viroids and satellite nucleic acids.

Snow White and the Seven Samuri

What to do about a dirty mind? A mind in the guttural sense of the mud. This was the marching order, for the king had sniffed a pox in the wind.

We launched on D-day, as is written in the Book of Hours. When the H-man cometh and women deliver. T minus ten seconds.

She posed as the model for the figurehead of my ship in the year of our lord, I got to scratch my head. 

All together

Avoiding shocks. Use fibre or bakelite pliers to remove cartridge fuses.

Have you put it all together yet? 

Who was scuba diving in a Hindu temple when Edgar Rice Burrows poked to the surface? She was deeply into the Maharishi, if we can say so without irony.

And the phase of the moon at the time of the incident, taking into account the third degree of precession but ignoring relativistic effects?

Evidence points to a singular culprit orbiting a culpable singularity. Of which there are multitudes.

Unless you have something profound to say, you should just say it. If you have something profound, register the copyright and collect the residuals before you utter a word. Once bitten, twice shy.

The pygmy smelt

Spawn of the unknown

And the Ubuntu left a bad taste. It was the crapshoot for the end of time. Snake eyes. The widow maker blousing in the upper gonads.

When Saint Jane went undercover as a playboy bunny. Just as the mad scientist was about to strike Sir Galahad arrived with his carbuncle.

The night the Bedouins came to stay

The night the Bedouins came to stay and the rolling stone gathered moss.

Then there was time like the present and crying over spilt milk came into use.

Then white man spoke with unforked tongue, the only good Indian was a live Indian, and a bird in the hand was worth three in the bush.

Then better red than dead and my country unless it’s wrong.

So starve a cold and feed a fever.

Global waring

Global thermonuclear war

We are pleased to report that global warming has been delayed temporarily due to the recent global thermonuclear war.

Nous sommes heureux d’annoncer que le réchauffement climatique a été temporairement retardé en raison de la récente guerre thermonucléaire mondiale.

The big powers had larger-than-disclosed arsenals, and the launch systems, in some cases over 50 years old, worked as planned. Regional players showed a surprising capability to rain mayhem in their neighbourhood.

Toutes les grandes puissances avaient des arsenaux plus importants que ceux divulgués, et les acteurs régionaux ont montré une capacité surprenante.

The debatable world

By day, she studies under some of the greatest grand masters of the debatable world. By night she sells bivalves by the seashore. Her name? Molly Malone. 

And so we’ve come to story that cannot not be told. Though it’s true to the bone, and then some, still it’s paid a peanut a word and deducted by the company store. Some of the greatest minds of all time thrived on peanuts. On this we have chapter 11 of Plutarch’s “The Face in the Moon,” and the examples of Jubilation T. Cornpone, Aloysius Cappone, and Booker T.

Aghast at his fetid overtones, the matron suffered a sucking chest wound. He had the boys soften her up before he spoke his piece. His proposition was, her firstborn for a magic bean. He was the greatest prestidigitator that ever wasn’t. The most least square the cosmic equation.

He snickered at the crowd of philosophers who waste their time on god when they could  be building castles in the sand. He gaped at the gypsy woman suspected of infiltrating the ranks.