All posts by Xenomanes

The Aped Man

Of arms I sing. A one-man Tarzan connecting the dots. 
Reorient yourself, o king of the apes,
Though ye twist  everything to your heart’s content,
then untwist arms and the man. 
Empires ain’t what they used to be,
not enough juice to span from sea to sea.

The narrows

I’m giving it to you straight. No beating about the bird in the bush, no loose lips sinking ships. For the straight you need the narrow, as for time you need the arrow. There you have the straight and narrow.

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

We caught the couple in the dope den, we had a tip off from the hat check girl. She said he promised her a pack a day, he said all his relatives lived in the trees. That was plenty to send them both up the river for a good long time.

Pope to blame for World Youth Day sewage disaster

Thirty thousand litres of raw sewage flooded the basement of the Domo Furniture Emporium during World Youth Day last July. Seven thousand portable toilets were emptied en masse after the final mass by the Pope. The mass attracted 800,000 pilgrims, and was conducted on land owned by the Department of National Defence. As is usual in military and religious inquiries, the task of assigning blame is complex. But a committee of elders has put the onus on the Pope him-or-her-self, and imposed a fine of a hoghead of holy water. In default, five qubits of upstream unction.

Take your medicine

Take your medicine

Ora Lee, I heard her in the wind. The sewer man and his step daughter were stewing in the tub. Last night I caught them laying sod, in contravention of the bylaws. He was telling her a story that can scarcely be believed.

It seems that 32,000 litres of raw sewage flooded the basement of the Domo Furniture Emporium in Toronto during World Youth Day last July. The flood occurred when 7,000 portable toilets were emptied after the final mass by the Pope.

A spokesman for the Pope declined to comment on whether the Pope’s sermon was in any way responsible for the outcome. “He’s just talking figuratively,” said Cardinal Kissinger of Transylvania.

The mass, which attracted 800,000 pilgrims, was conducted on land owned by the Department of National Defence, so the task of assigning blame was complex. But a committee of elders has put the onus on the Pope, and imposed a fine of a hoghead of holy water and an agreement to put his money, for the time being, where his mouth is.

Treasures of the Art World

Xenomanes was excited to hear of the recent excavations into the tomb of Pompus Pilot. The word is that the dig has yielded a king’s ransom of nickle-and-dime illustrated novels on the subject of you know what.

Fulton B. Cruton, whose father was a far-sighted fuller brush man, and his wife Quinoa, once priestess of Delphi, were in charge of the excavation. Xenomanes had led several parties to Delphi in times past, and had a nodding acquaintance with Quinoa.

Forbidden Territory

The heathens had many everyday expressions that may provide a glimpse into their simple minds. A scout has sent back a story from Outer Godwannaland. In those regions when a woman was looking for a man, she would take a taste of his juice, and when a man was looking for a woman, he would lick the entire length of her legs in extreme unction. So the saying went, in his translation, “As well to put a horseshoe on a cricket, as to boil a monk in oil.”

They the heathens had another tale about the short-order cook on the ship that was one short of a full deck. He the cook got short-sheeted at Camp Guantanamero. He got short-shifted at the union hall. Short-circuited at the Circus Maximus. So they say, “When last seen, he was in shorts and a cunt cap” [according to Van der Essen a reference to Browning’s old nun’s twat].

Jim Crack Corn; or, The Blue Tail Fly

When I was young a us’d to wait
On Massa and hand him de plate;
Pass down the bottle when he git dry,
And bresh away de blue tail fly.

Den arter dinner massa sleep,
He bid dis niggar vigil keep;
An’ when he gwine to shut his eye,
He tell me watch de blue tail fly.

An’ when he ride in de arternoon,
I foiler wid a hickory broom;
De poney being berry shy,
When bitten by de blue tail fly.

One day he rode aroun’ de farm,
De flies so numerous dey did swarm;
One chance to bite ‘im on the thigh,
De debble take dat blu tail fly.

De poney run, he jump an’ pitch,
An’ tumble massa in de ditch;
He died, an’ de jury wonder’d why
De verdic was de blue tail fly.

Dey laid ‘im under a ‘simmon tree,
His epitaph am dar to see:
‘Beneath did stone I’m forced to lie,
All by means ob de blue tail fly.’

Ole massa gone, now let ‘im rest,
Dey say all tings am for the best;
I nebber forget till de day I die,
Ole massa an’ dat blue tail fly.

Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Old Massa gone away.

To Explode Powder with Electricity

A 1-in. hole was bored in the center of a 2-in. square block. Two finishing nails were driven in, as shown in the sketch. These were connected to terminals of an induction coil. After everything was ready the powder was poured in the hole and a board weighted with rocks placed over the block. When the button is pressed or the circuit closed in some other way the discharge occurs. The distance between the nail points–which must be bright and clean–should be just enough to give a good, fat spark. –Contributed by Geo. W. Fry, San Jose, Cal.

Responding to critics

Responding to critics in the US Congress and elsewhere who say Facebook isn’t doing enough to enhance the flow of disinformation, the social network in recent months has purged almost one hundred accounts it found were not designed to sway elections, sow social division, or prop up ruthless governments. The focus has left an opening for scammers who use Facebook to send unsuspecting users to fraudulent dating sites, which frequently results in matrimony.