Take your medicine

Take your medicine

Ora Lee, I heard her in the wind. The sewer man and his step daughter were stewing in the tub. Last night I caught them laying sod, in contravention of the bylaws. He was telling her a story that can scarcely be believed.

It seems that 32,000 litres of raw sewage flooded the basement of the Domo Furniture Emporium in Toronto during World Youth Day last July. The flood occurred when 7,000 portable toilets were emptied after the final mass by the Pope.

A spokesman for the Pope declined to comment on whether the Pope’s sermon was in any way responsible for the outcome. “He’s just talking figuratively,” said Cardinal Kissinger of Transylvania.

The mass, which attracted 800,000 pilgrims, was conducted on land owned by the Department of National Defence, so the task of assigning blame was complex. But a committee of elders has put the onus on the Pope, and imposed a fine of a hoghead of holy water and an agreement to put his money, for the time being, where his mouth is.

Treasures of the Art World

Xenomanes was excited to hear of the recent excavations into the tomb of Pompus Pilot. The word is that the dig has yielded a king’s ransom of nickle-and-dime illustrated novels on the subject of you know what.

Fulton B. Cruton, whose father was a far-sighted fuller brush man, and his wife Quinoa, once priestess of Delphi, were in charge of the excavation. Xenomanes had led several parties to Delphi in times past, and had a nodding acquaintance with Quinoa.

Forbidden Territory

The heathens had many everyday expressions that may provide a glimpse into their simple minds. A scout has sent back a story from Outer Godwannaland. In those regions when a woman was looking for a man, she would take a taste of his juice, and when a man was looking for a woman, he would lick the entire length of her legs in extreme unction. So the saying went, in his translation, “As well to put a horseshoe on a cricket, as to boil a monk in oil.”

They the heathens had another tale about the short-order cook on the ship that was one short of a full deck. He the cook got short-sheeted at Camp Guantanamero. He got short-shifted at the union hall. Short-circuited at the Circus Maximus. So they say, “When last seen, he was in shorts and a cunt cap” [according to Van der Essen a reference to Browning’s old nun’s twat].

Jim Crack Corn; or, The Blue Tail Fly

When I was young a us’d to wait
On Massa and hand him de plate;
Pass down the bottle when he git dry,
And bresh away de blue tail fly.

Den arter dinner massa sleep,
He bid dis niggar vigil keep;
An’ when he gwine to shut his eye,
He tell me watch de blue tail fly.

An’ when he ride in de arternoon,
I foiler wid a hickory broom;
De poney being berry shy,
When bitten by de blue tail fly.

One day he rode aroun’ de farm,
De flies so numerous dey did swarm;
One chance to bite ‘im on the thigh,
De debble take dat blu tail fly.

De poney run, he jump an’ pitch,
An’ tumble massa in de ditch;
He died, an’ de jury wonder’d why
De verdic was de blue tail fly.

Dey laid ‘im under a ‘simmon tree,
His epitaph am dar to see:
‘Beneath did stone I’m forced to lie,
All by means ob de blue tail fly.’

Ole massa gone, now let ‘im rest,
Dey say all tings am for the best;
I nebber forget till de day I die,
Ole massa an’ dat blue tail fly.

Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Jim crack corn I don’t care,
Old Massa gone away.

To Explode Powder with Electricity

A 1-in. hole was bored in the center of a 2-in. square block. Two finishing nails were driven in, as shown in the sketch. These were connected to terminals of an induction coil. After everything was ready the powder was poured in the hole and a board weighted with rocks placed over the block. When the button is pressed or the circuit closed in some other way the discharge occurs. The distance between the nail points–which must be bright and clean–should be just enough to give a good, fat spark. –Contributed by Geo. W. Fry, San Jose, Cal.

Responding to critics

Responding to critics in the US Congress and elsewhere who say Facebook isn’t doing enough to enhance the flow of disinformation, the social network in recent months has purged almost one hundred accounts it found were not designed to sway elections, sow social division, or prop up ruthless governments. The focus has left an opening for scammers who use Facebook to send unsuspecting users to fraudulent dating sites, which frequently results in matrimony.

The razer’s edge

A man went over the mountains to look for himself. On the other side of the mountain, he mated with a woman looking over a cliff.

Groundhog Day is known to have its roots in the behavior of badgers in Germany. In some German-speaking areas, however, the foxes or bears were seen as the weather prognosticators. When the behavior of the bear was considered, the belief was that the bear would come out of his lair to check whether he could see “over the mountain.” If the weather was clear, the bear would put an end to hibernation and demolish his lair. If it rained or snowed, however, the bear would return to his lair for six more weeks.

Green grow the russians, o

I’ll sing you twelve.

Twelve for a dozen cosmonauts
Of whom eleven went to heaven.

Ten for ten Comanches
Nine hung with a noose with thirteen twists.

Eight for April’s foolish
Blessed by the brothers and sisters of fate.

Seven for the six brownshirts
And their high-five symbols at your door.

Four for the bakers of Jesus,
and the quakers of the compass rose.

One, two, three, the rivals.
Do not cross the great water.

Two lily-white boys clothed in green.

DOS bedoyna.

First time on the set

We’ve all been there. Man’s favorite splurt. We’ll blurt out your words as soon as you speak ’em. Once poked, twice blinded.

A brace of birds makes a fine kettle of fish. Cover the ears of the little ones with cotton batting. Plug their noses with mint julep. Stop up their behinds with tar and feathers. If they so much as open their gills give them a good licking.